Listen up, world. Getting a cold this week might’ve been the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m not sure. Either way, I have a lot to say, so let’s get this party started.

Okay, quick update, I have a terrible cold. IN SUMMER. GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And before you ask, it’s not Covid, I already got tested. (Fully vaxxXed but u never know am i rite). Because of my cold I have had to take off work. I know it’s “just a cold” bleh bleh bleh, just a little old cold Hannah, go into work Hannah, sickness doesn’t count unless it’s…

An artist adrift…

Good afternoon and welcome to today’s edition of “I’m scared and confused and lost!” I’m writing this because there’s a lot going on in my head and I would like the little gremlins who operate my brain to pls GET A GRIP. God! Wat has our world come to —

For some context: I have a job. (This statement is mostly for my uncle who asked me at a funeral recently whether or not I was ever planning to “work for a living.”)

These past few weeks have been SUCH a struggle for me. I love childcare…

What to do when literally no one is paying attention to you.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be anonymous on the internet. To clarify, I am not talking about the type of anonymity that encourages trolls. That is a separate thing entirely, and I’m sure lots of people much smarter than I have written on the topic so,,, just listen to them.

The rise of the internet and social media has allowed EVERYONE the opportunity to experience what I like to call, “middle child syndrome adjacent.”

Middle child syndrome is the belief that middle children

Gremlins everywhere are talking about it…

Jack wakes up in the morning like he’s Cinderella. Windows wide open, playing Vivaldi on a record player*, glass footwear. You get it. Evil stepmother… rackety step sisters… a ball. You get it? Speaking of balls I told Jack today that he should call his “the Wrinkle-voss twins.”

*hipster nonsense

Things that would require a legitimate threat to my life in order for me to do them:

  1. wake up “early” to “workout”
  2. think of lists longer than one

Sometimes Jack’s hair looks crazy right when he gets out of the shower and today he…

Sara’s apartment is a writer’s dream. It’s all ceramic mugs, exposed brick wall, mismatched chairs, sweeping views of the city, and a 7-foot-tall bookcase painted “retro mint” filled entirely with Terry Pratchet’s life work.

I have been using my time here to watch the Real Housewives of New York. I feel (slightly) bad about polluting this cozy safe-haven with such putrid content (not bad enough to stop doing it, but bad enough to recognize that this is not an admirable choice. Like leaving gum under a chair.) …

Greetings folx. It’s been a while since I shared my nonsense opinions on the internet.*

*anyone who follows me on twitter knows that this is a blatant lie.

WITH further ado (plot twist), here are my updates about Life in Chillinois:

Believe it or not, my workday starts at 5:00 am. I know what you’re thinking,, “Hannah, you have ~more than once~ gotten physically ill from waking up earlier than normal.” True! The only reason I am able to get myself to work at 5:00am is because in my world, that is still nighttime. It is basically a late-night excursion.

“This guy I used to date thinks I have multiple personality disorder…But he’s nice about it. The other day he said to me ‘I’m so happy you can be yourselves with me,’ and I was like ‘me’s too.’”

This is the opening line I used in one of my most recent stand up sets. At any given time my brain is like the boat scene from Charlie and the Chocolate factory, or that episode of Spongebob where we see the inside of Spongebob’s brain and it’s run by a bunch of tiny Spongebobs and everything’s on fire. You can also…

Wooooo! Look at you! Having a girlfriend and what not. How great. How good for you! I’m so glad you’re in a relationship. So glad. I’m single, and I like to tell people that I’m single by choice. But no one’s really single by choice. Being single might be a choice but it’s definitely not a first choice. More often than not, it’s a consequence of who you are as a person.

But luckily for you, you are not single. In fact, based on the current circumstance; i.e. you choosing to read an article entitled “7 Best Vacation Spots to…

Product Review: Triscuits

I sit here in my office on a long and lonesome Tuesday night consuming Pickle-flavored Triscuits because I am here and they are also here and one thing led to another and now I am eating pickle-flavored Triscuits.

Let me be clear. I do not like pickles. I hate them. Cucumbers are basically gross solid water. I’m not sure why dousing them in what I am pretty sure is liquid battery juice and calling them by another name is supposed to make them appealing to me.

Let me even clearer — Triscuits taste like eating wicker furniture…

Welcome to today’s edition of rampant procrastination and self-sabotage. The weather is a balmy light-sweater degrees out, as it always is, without fail, here in the Chillicon Valley™.

How is lovely Slim Reaper™ doing on this fine Thursday afternoon? Well, to be honest, last quarter I got gum stuck in my hair on three different occasions…Including one particularly confusing and harrowing situation which happened in the Nepal airport. By comparison, I am doing a much better job at not falling asleep while chewing gum, so we’ll chalk that one up to a W.

What else is new? Well, my school…

Hannah Zahn

Lice Free Since ‘03!

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